Nightmare as a Child
by Jessi84
Summary: Everyone has his or her personal nightmares, so do Horatio and Speed. Sometimes you have to share them with the one you love so you can leave them behind. It's SLASH. Don't like, don't read. Co-written with my partner in crime Melles.


**Nightmare as a C****hild**

Lieutenant Caine was a fearless leader; a fearless figure who could look into a gun barrel without blinking. He was a fearless rock, not only for his family, but also for his Team and for the people of Miami. Lieutenant Caine was one of the bravest men most people knew.

Horatio Caine the man though, was anything but fearless. Horatio Caine knew about fear, more than he wanted to admit to himself and especially to others. Horatio Caine the man had a lot of baggage. Horatio Caine lacked in what Lieutenant Caine was strong in.

He was terrified. Even more than that. He was scared to death. Stiff as a poker he lay in his bed and clutched onto the blanket. He didn't dare to close his eyes, fearing that his panic would only rise due to that.

Suddenly the room was illuminated white in a flash of lighting followed a few seconds later by a crash of thunder that shook the bed.

His heart raced, his breath quickened and sweat started to form on his forehead. He wanted this to end. Badly. He wanted to go to sleep. He wanted to hide from the outside world, from the thunderstorm that was raging outside. He wanted it so much but yet he couldn't.

Shrieking when a loud clap of thunder roared right above the house, he turned on his side and wrapped the blanket over his head. Shivering, not out of cold but of fear, he tried to calm himself but to no avail. He felt his eyes starting to sting, but he was too stubborn to let the tears fall. Yet he couldn't prevent a soft sobbing noise.

His heart stopped when he suddenly felt two strong arms around him and he had to take a few calming breaths. Stiffly he lay there in his lover's arms and didn't dare to turn around when he felt the blanket being lifted from his head.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Speed whispered into his partner's ear and snuggled closer to Horatio until he was pressed against the other man's back. "Did you have a nightmare?" he murmured sleepily and felt his eyes starting to drop again.

Tim Speedle had never been a night person and when he thought about it, he wasn't a morning person either…so he was the exact opposite of his partner. Horatio could stay awake till late at night and get up early if he had to, while Speed would be grumpy and moody for the whole day. Well more than usual anyway. So it was quite surprising that he had woken up in the middle of the night, though he wasn't exactly sure why.

"H?" he whispered again, when he didn't get a response and opened his eyes again. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing…nothing is wrong. Just…just go back to sleep," Horatio replied quietly and tried to ignore the howling of the wind.

"Well if everything is alright, why are you lying in bed like a stick?" Speed asked amused and hoped that Horatio would join in and tell him what's going on. He should have known better that it wouldn't be that easy.

Horatio just snorted and flinched when the next thunder boomed again.

"Hey..," Speed said softly and gently stroked Horatio's bare arm. "It's just thunder…it can't hurt us." He had never seen Horatio act like this before. Granted, they had only been lovers for a few weeks, but even before he had never seen his boss acting like this.

"Easy for you to say," Horatio said between clenched teeth.

"What was that?" Speed asked since he hadn't understood him.

"Nothing," Horatio mumbled and ignored the sigh coming from Speed.

Tim thought for a second. He didn't know much about his partners' background of family yet, but they had talked about Horatio's father though - thanks to the scars on his back. Tim figured that the strange behavior was rooted in Horatio's childhood. "Do you...," he said quietly, "...do you wanna talk about it?"

"No," Horatio answered a little bit annoyed. He didn't want to talk about it - not now, not ever. It was far too embarrassing to tell anyone, especially his partner. He was sure, no he knew that Speed would laugh about it. He had experienced such a reaction before and he didn't want to experience it again. "There's nothing to talk about, okay?" he said in his typical 'drop it' voice.

Speed frowned, even though no one could see it, thanks to the darkness. "Listen, it's okay...if you don't want to talk about with me. I mean...," he shrugged, "...maybe you can talk about it with someone else. Maybe...it will help you..." There was one thing he knew about Horatio Caine - this man could be very stubborn. "Because…this problem - whatever it is - is affecting you. In a bad way, you know?"

"Yeah..," Horatio sighed and just wanted to go to sleep, or at least Tim going back to sleep. "I'm fine, thank you. No need to worry. I don't have a problem." He wasn't allowed to have some kind of 'problem'. He was a Caine after all. "Just go back to sleep, Tim." He would definitely not talk to someone else, like a shrink for example and he was sure that Speed was suggesting someone like that. No way! He was a sane man. He didn't need to talk about anything, because there was nothing to talk about. With a shrug he drew his blanket higher and bit his lips when the shutters began to jolt due to the wind. He was in a living nightmare.

"Mhm," Tim mumbled, a bit helpless. "If you say so." With that he rolled on his back again, staring at the ceiling, lost in thoughts. After a while he said, "Everyone is afraid of something...it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Well, first of all, Horatio wasn't afraid or, to put in another way, wished he wasn't. "Yeah?" he asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice in order to hide his shaking voice and nerves. "So what are you afraid of, Tim?"

_"Uhm, that was fast,"_ Tim thought and was a bit taken aback, so he needed a few seconds before he could answer. "Water," he simply stated.

"Yeah," he snorted. He had heard about this story from Eric. "More like the chemicals in it, huh? Eric told me about it..." It had been quite funny. Living in Miami and not wanting to swim in the sea because of some probably non-existing chemicals. Well, Speed was definitely one of a kind.

Taking a deep breath, Tim still looked at the ceiling. "Well, he doesn't know the whole truth behind this," he answered quietly, his voice almost a whisper. He knew exactly how it felt to be afraid of something. "In fact, I haven't told anyone about it." Now he was shivering slightly while he waited for a reaction.

Hm, this was interesting. Horatio furrowed his brows and for a second he forgot about the storm outside. "And what would be the whole truth?" he asked quietly and turned around on his other side, so he could look at Tim.

Biting his lip, Tim answered slowly: "I can't swim. I almost drowned as a kid and never learned to swim afterwards. I can't stand the thought of being near water." He let out a sigh. "Even now I'm afraid that something is going to happen, although it's ridiculous to think so. Every time Eric's out there in the water...I panic."

"You can't swim?" Horatio asked surprised and couldn't believe his ears. "Wow..," he mumbled and when he felt that Speed wasn't sure how to classify his reaction, he drew nearer and rested a hand on his belly. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Baby. There are many people that can't swim. And since you almost drowned...it's absolutely understandable." This was a very good reason for being afraid of water.

Nodding, Tim answered. "And still it's a shame. I'm a grown man...well, at least I think so...but still I can't go to the beach. Let alone a swimming pool. I...just...can't."

"But you almost lost your life, Tim. It's absolutely okay for you to be afraid of the sea or a swimming pool. Anyone would be, that's for sure," he reassured him. "And nevertheless you're doing a great job when we have a case on the beach, you should be proud of that," he praised him and rested his head on Speed's shoulder. His own fear was forgotten for a moment, the only thing that mattered at the moment was his lover.

"You think so?" he wanted to know, gently caressing his partner's back with his fingertips.

"Have I ever lied to you?" Horatio countered and flinched underneath Speed's touch when the air literally exploded above them.

"Shhh," Tim soothed him, quickly changing their roles. "I'm here with you. You don't have to be afraid."

Horatio just wanted to run. He just didn't know where to. He wanted to hide himself. Somewhere, anywhere just to escape from this night and the nightmares it brought with it.

"What is it, that's bugging you, Honey?" Tim asked, taking the chance to get his lover to talk. "You can lean on me, you know that. Right?"

"Yeah," he sighed softly. He was torn between shutting Speed out and letting him in. It wasn't easy for him to let anyone near him, let alone confiding in someone in his fears. He had learned it the hard way that this would never end well. "I'm just not fond of storms...thunderstorms." Especially by night. He could barely live with them at day, but at night in the dark it was pure hell.

"I understand. And why's that? Do you want to tell me?" he wanted to know, even if he knew that he was a bit invasive right now. He took Horatio's hand in his own and placed a gentle kiss on its back. "Just don't shut me out. Please don't do that."

To be honest, no. He didn't want to tell Speed. Because this would definitely change their relationship and Horatio wasn't sure if it would be a good or a bad change. Would Speed still want him after he found out? He would understand if he didn't. No one knew better than himself that he had a lot of baggage and in fact he was damaged goods. "It's not that easy..," he started tentatively.

"It's never easy and it'll never get any easier. Just harder," Tim tried to explain, but he wasn't as good with words as Horatio was. "Let's have a try. I'm a good listener."

Sighing Horatio thought about the best way of how to approach the subject, but didn't find one, so he just went with it. "You do know that I grew up in Miami, right?" he asked and felt Speed's nod. "Okay..hmm..," he mumbled and thought about the next step. "There have always been hurricanes or tropical storms here as long as I can remember and with them there was always rain and thunder. It's kinda normal when you grow up here and until I turned Eight, I never had any fear. It was normal to pack your things, barricade your house and find safety in a shelter..."

Tim waited for more, but nothing came. "And then...something happened back then?" he asked quietly in order to keep Horatio talking.

"You could say so," he chuckled bitterly. "There had been a storm warning going on for several days and it was possible that this storm could turn into a hurricane once it hit the land...well...my old man had never been very fond of this whole leaving your house and finding a shelter stuff, but somehow my mom had always made him to leave the house with us. Ray had been a baby at this time and...he had had a colic, so he had been crying a lot and my mom couldn't calm him. Needless to say that my old man's nerves were very raw anyway and then there was this commotion about the storm..," Horatio sighed and closed his eyes. "To be honest I don't even remember why it happened, but I said something my father didn't like and instead of taking it back, I told him that it was the truth. I think it had something to do with my mum and Ray...I just don't know..," he shook his head and took a trembling breath.

Instinctively Tim drew Horatio closer, giving him a shy kiss on the forehead. "Just take your time, Honey. Don't rush things," he whispered. "We have all the time in the world."

Nodding silently Horatio took a few moments before he continued again. "My father got really angry, and when I mean angry...it was pure rage. He dragged me by the neck and shoved me into the broom cupboard and locked the door. It wasn't even that he locked it; he also put a chair underneath the latch so there was no way for me to open it. I...it wasn't the first and definitely not the last time he did that and as much as I hated to be in there, I was quite happy that he didn't hit me....the feeling changed when it got more and more clear for me, that he wouldn't come to get me, so we could go to the shelter. Have you ever been in a storm? It's so loud you can't even hear the voice inside your head. You can't even hear your own screams for your father pleading him to get you. You can't even hear your own heart beat, though it's so fast that it feels like it's breaking out of your chest. Have you ever been in a room, so dark, that you couldn't even see your own hand even though it was supposed to be a bright day?"

"No, I haven't," Tim answered and had to swallow the lump in his throat and felt a shiver run down his spine. He stayed silent after that, trying to find a way to help Horatio, but couldn't come up with one.

"Well I know what it feels like. Being alone in a cupboard while you can hear the wind, the thunder, the forces of nature and you know that no one will come to get you. No one will help you and that every breath you take could be your last one, because the house is making weird noises, like it would be lifted away every second."

"I can only imagine how you felt back then, and I'm sorry for that. I wish there is something I could do to ease the pain."

"There's nothing you can come up with, Speed. My Dad had some very creative ideas so his sons would never forget him. Never ever. In every minute of their lives," he said emotionless. "You probably should pack your things and get away from me as soon as possible, I'm not even worth the effort of trying to be in a relationship," he said softly. "I can understand if you want to leave. It's okay."

"The hell it is!" he proclaimed. "There's no way I'm leaving you. Why should I anyway? I love you. With all my heart." Tim shook his head. "I guess right now I love you even more. You showed me, that you trust me and that I can trust you. That's what a relationship is all about. Think of that." Once again he placed a kiss on Horatio's forehead, wiping the hairs away. "You're the most fascinating man I know and I love finding out about those new sides from you. I just hope that you'll not gonna make me swim," he teased both of them, trying to lighten up the mood a bit. Then he whispered again. "I love you, H. Just don't forget that." It was a good thing that the elder Caine was already dead, or Speed would have probably killed him with his own hands. How could a father…do this to his own son? Treat him like an animal so that the boy would always doubt himself and the love of others towards him?

"I love you too, Speed," Horatio said softly and cuddled closer to him, resting his head against Speed's chest, the steady heartbeat calming his nerves a bit. "I'm sorry that I woke you up," he whispered apologetically.

"Yeah," he said, stroking the back of Horatio's head. "But guess what? I'm happy that you did."

"Really? I thought you were anything but a night owl?" Horatio countered back and just enjoyed Speed's delicate touches.

Tim just rolled his eyes. "You know exactly what I meant." Judging from the pitch of Horatio's voice Tim noticed the change of mood. "Feeling better now?" he asked quietly, still playing with the hair.

"A little bit, considering the storm going on outside," Horatio answered him honestly. "And yes, I know what you meant," he nodded carefully, not wanting Speed to stop with his ministrations.

"Maybe I can help distracting you a bit. Mind if I try?" he grinned mischievously, letting his free hand wandering down Horatio's waist.

Horatio looked up from his position and even though it was quite dark in the room he could see the light sparkle in Speed's eyes. "Hmm, I think I should at least give you a try, right? That would only be fair."

"That's right and I promise to do my very best."

"Okay, Mr. Speedle, it's your show then," Horatio smirked and waited for Speed to try his very best. He was definitely looking forward to it.

"And what a show it will be," Speed chuckled and rolled over so Horatio was lying on his back. He wanted to make Horatio forget about the weather outside and hoped that he could ease his troubled soul if only for a bit. He loved this man with all his heart and he wanted to show him a different side, a loving side of life.

It was much later in the night when he was gently caressing Horatio's sweat soaked hair and listened to the deep, regular breathing of his lover whose head was resting right above his heart. It had only been a small step, but he hoped that this step would mean so much more in the future. A future he was looking forward spending with the sleeping man in his arms. A future without all these nightmares as a child.

**The End**

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